#AmWriting . . . but Am I Really?

The kids and my husband have been home since NY went into quarantine. It’s been great knowing they’re all safe and healthy. Especially with a wonderful slave someone who can answer every single question that comes to mind (most answers being “I don’t know” but that seems to be good enough), and get them all the snacks, meals, and drinks they all need at any given moment. Someone to keep life normal as much as possible for them.

It’s me. I’m that wonderful someone.

I mean. It’s been truly great knowing they’re well taken care of. Need to play a random game? Sure, you have someone who’ll do it. Need to go run around in the backyard? Sure, I’ll take you. Need someone to stay up four nights straight, all night, trying to find an open slot for grocery deliveries? Sure. Had a nightmare and need mommy? Sure. Need to keep the house quiet while you’re on work calls? Sure. All while (as was normal for me previously) working from home myself? Sure.

One month in, I can sincerely say I’m starting to feel resentful. 

I have my own work and my own books that I was in the middle of writing. But none of that seems to matter. I get by with my actual work, but that’s it. At this point it seems like all the teachers have gotten a hang of online work, and even the gym teachers are adding assignments daily. My kids are still young and need help each time there’s a new program added to sign into and to learn how to use. This is happening every 2–3 days. All assignments need to be turned into by 4:00 pm or they’re incomplete. Oh, you mean during the same time as our regular working hours? Yep. 

In between, making breakfast, lunch, and dinner is expected. Cleaning the house is expected. Quality time is expected. And all is given freely and lovingly. But I don’t get to my own needs and wants. Do I have it easier than a lot of people right now? Yes. Do I appreciate every single essential worker, doctors, nurses, grocery store employees, delivery guys, cops, etc? Absolutely 100% yes—they’re all heroes through and through. 

But does that mean I shouldn’t be allowed to feel frustrated? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. I only know that it’s getting to me.

You would think this is the perfect time to start a new project or to finally finish writing my books. And it is. But it isn’t. All days of the week are blurred and meshed together and I’m exhausted. Not from the work, but from the worry. From the lack of sleep. From checking in with all friends and family constantly . . . especially with those who can tell me about people I know who are in the hospital or sick and quarantining at home.

I want to write, but I can’t concentrate. I want to read, but I can’t concentrate. I want to sleep, but instead I run through a list of my to-dos WHILE bidding for grocery delivery slots, which by the way is a sad game in which I don’t feel like I win, even when I do (twice), I feel guilty because that means someone else who’s also in need didn’t get that opening. I’m in one of the hot spots, and I have a son with a low immune system, so I have to minimize exposure as much as I possibly can. Anyway . . .

I don’t know who else is going through a “normal” life lockdown and is feeling frustrated. And I don’t know who else feels guilty about the emotional up and down. Or who else feels like they have no right to feel this way. But I can tell you, that I’m here feeling the same, and you’re not alone.

And I’m sorry for those who are tired of reading about being quarantined and Covid-19, but I just couldn’t concentrate enough to write anything else. Plus, maybe I need someone to tell me they understand how I’m feeling as well.

Big hugs to you, my friends. Big hugs . . . but only the virtual kind.

 

7 thoughts on “#AmWriting . . . but Am I Really?”

  1. Since retirement, I’ve lived in a quiet, country setting. However, my four adult children and my four grandchildren all live in the NYC area. It’s been harrowing hearing the stories, but what is hardest for me is not being with them. That’s an impossibility of course – because of my age, because of travel restrictions, because I’d be more of a burden than a help. Take good care of yourself, and hug your little ones. I so wish I could do that right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I definitely am hugging my little ones ALL the time. I’m grateful every day for that blessing.

      To your note, I’m unable to do the same with my parents. A few days ago they came to my house for a distanced-exchange of goods we needed on both ends; my dad asked very sadly if he really couldn’t hug me—he knew the answer, of course—and with tears in her eyes, my mom whispered no and pulled him back to the car. They left in less than five minutes of getting there. I stood there with a broken heart, watching my parents drive away and longing for the moment I’d be able to embrace them without fear of causing them any possible harm. I get it. And I’m sad for the distance between you and your children as well.

      These are trying times; that’s for sure. I have to hope that soon, very soon, we’ll all be able to hug our loved ones again. Take care of yourself as well, Gwen. Big hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re not alone! The world has shifted drastically- mercifully WA has settled down enough that we haven’t had to get into the whole bidding for grocery store slots, but we’re still out of school for the rest of the year. I’m helping my 3 with distance learning while distance teaching my part time classes and my hubby’s working from home. Writing? HA. It IS hard, and stressful, and I had to give myself a time out in the back yard the other day, just to have one more good cry fest 🙂
    But there are blessings too- my pace has sped up, but theirs has slowed down. I’m getting more time with the eldest, who I felt like I hadn’t seen since sports started this year. We’re spending time just playing.
    Here’s hoping writing about it helped you, and saying a prayer for everyone over there, for health, peace, patience, and for this all to pass!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Anne, I think I need to follow in your footsteps and take some time for a tiny cry fest lol. Although, yes, writing about it did help and like you said being able to spend time with loved ones who otherwise can be too busy is definitely a bonus.

      I do have to say, helping your own kids with distance learning and ALSO teaching? Goodness, I don’t know how you do it! Thanks for the prayers, I’m sending them to you as well. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think one of the hardest things right now is that we’re not allowing ourselves to grieve the normal things because we feel there are so many bigger things we should be thankful for. And believe me, I’m thankful my kids are safe and that they’re taking this seriously, and I’m thankful that my in-laws are (finally) being as careful as they can be, and I’m thankful my husband is retired, so I don’t have to worry about a paycheck or loss of it.

    BUT that doesn’t mean I can’t grieve the fact that my kids aren’t able to visit and hug me. Or that I can’t grieve the loss of our vacation. Or that I’m tired all the time in a way that has nothing to do with my physical exertion. Or that I’m not productive at all, despite spending even more time trying to be.

    I need to practice what I preach, but allow yourself grace during this time. And BIG HUGS.

    Like

    1. I don’t know how to deal anymore. Some days are better than others, that’s for sure. I hadn’t thought of it as grieving, but that makes complete sense. There’s a loss and I feel so guilty feeling it. Hugs right back!

      Like

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